Observations of an ordinary man

Discworld

Let’s Play a Book Game

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I posted a game on the Discworld Facebook page where you have to take a book title, drop a letter and then state the plot for the new title. There some fantastic and funny responses. Here are most of them. Note: quite a few will only make sense to Discworld fans.

If you can think of any more, please post them in the comments.

10 years of solitude: Not so bad all things considered

100 Ears of Solitude: Hearing aid manufacturer gets many letters of complaint

194: George Orwell writes about a chilling and dystopian second century Rome

5 Shades of Grey: Mr Grey’s brother isn’t quite so adventurous

50 Hades of Grey: Who said Hell had to be in colour?

A Blink of the Scree: The story of a pile of rocks and the brevity of human life

A Bride too Far: A man’s internet date is refused a visa

A Brief History of Tim: It would have been longer but he had a very dull life

A Canner Darkly: The story of one man’s struggle to get out of the cannery during a sudden power outage

A Clockwork Orang: Ook whirr click ook ook click whirr

A Clockwork Range: A farmer’s struggle to cope with the sudden loss of all his livestock

A Clockwork Range: Our protagonist sets out on a quest to amass as great a variety of clockwork collectibles and knick-knacks as the world has ever seen

A Clockwork Range: Owner’s manual for your brand-new four-burner stove with alarm clock

A Farewell To RMS: The history of one mathematician’s abandonment of the quadratic mean

A Fast for Crows: The ultimate diet guide for the raven who needs to lose a bit of weight

A Hat Full Of KY: Tourists guide to Kentucky

A Hat Full Of KY: When your lover must be doing something wrong with that jelly

A Horse and his Oy: The adventures of a rabbi in the Old West.

A Lash of Kings: The story of the man who is charged to carry out the Kings justice, and the woman who loves him

A Midsummer Night’s Dram: One man’s mission to enjoy his Scotch

A Midsummer’s Night Ream: One man’s mission to fetch some printer paper in July

A Pace Odyssey: A guy tries to break the world record in walking

A Song of Ice and Ire: When an author kills off most of his characters, his readers rise up in protest

A Sop’s Fables: Depressing stories for the weak willed

A Stud in Scarlet: A cross-dresser’s tale

A Tale Of Two Cites: One man’s mission to prove he’d been called twice

A Winkle in Time: A story about an incontinent time traveller

A Wrinkle in Tim: A companion book to Flat Stanley

Ale of two cities: A dark drama set in the northern brewery wars

Ale of Two Cities: A disagreement between London and Paris about who brews the best beer leads to civil war

Ale of Two Cities: A tale of one man’s attempt to create a new brew

All Quiet on the Western Font: For some reason, babies prefer it to the Eastern Font

And the Band Layed on: The story of how an unsuccessful rock band took up bricklaying and found riches

Animal Arm: A guy wakes up to find his right arm has turned into a pig’s front leg

Animal Arm: The sequel to Mostly Armless, the man with half an arm is subjected to a highly experimental transplant procedure with unexpected results

Apocalypse Ow: The end of the world makes people stub their toes

Artemis Fowl and the Lost Colon: Artemis searches for the Missing colon of the local fairy queen

As I Lay Ying: A first Person account of William Faulkner’s experience in a Chinese brothel

Asquerade: Book of questions for quiz night at the Treb

Bedtime for Bozo: What it is for me, I’m afraid. Good night all, can’t wait to read the new entries in the morning

Berserker Ma: The Ma Baker biography

Blea House: A boring tale of people that couldn’t be arsed to do anything

Bored of the Rigs: Wherein a trucker decides to leave his chosen profession due to ennui

Brave New Word: The history of the F-Word

Breaking Awn: A guide to crop farming

Candid: The Rocco Silfredi Story

Carp Jugulum: A fishbone gets stuck in Granny Weatherwax’s throat. Luckily Magrat is there to take it out

Carp Jugulum: A fishy tale if ever there was one

Casio Royale: One man’s mission to get the watch of all watches

Cath 22: Yossarian has a hot date

Chaos and Oder: The story of a massive skunk infestation, and the battle to eradicate them all

Charlie and the Chocolate Factor: Charlie discovers the secret about having success with girls

Code of the Liemaker: Another political guidebook

Cold Comfort Arm: Amputee finds that his bionic arm freezes in the winter

Colon: The story of a digestive disorder

Comic Love: One man’s tragic tale of getting too involved with a comic book

Daddy-Log-Legs: Helping your child come to terms with disability

Death of an Alesman: Murder mystery set in a micro-brewery

Diamonds Are For Eve: If only Adam had known this earlier

Did I Ever Tell You How Ucky You Are?: A parent reveals his dark secret about how he feels about his child

Dive Gent: The hero had to pick which one of five scuba classes to join

Do Androids Dream of Electric Heep: iPhones take a beating and end up at a landfill site

Doctor Ho: True stories from the medical adviser to ladies of negotiable affection

Dragonriders of Pen: Can the mighty Dragonriders overcome the might of the bureaucrats?

Dramcatcher: An alcoholic’s desperate fight for a drink

Dream Ark: The ultimate guide to building and decorating your very own ark, including optimum design for easily cleaned stables.

Due: A young person’s guide to paying your bills on time

Dun: Couldn’t afford the payments on my planet so they started dunning me

East Of Den: The Angie Watts Story

Eaves of Grass: a guide to thatching

Ed Planet Blues: Ed TV in space, with no way to get out of the contract

Empire of the UN: An anti-UN pamphlet issued in North Korea

ET Pray Love: Unable to return home, the titular extra-terrestrial from Steven Spielberg’s timeless classic sets out on a journey of self-discovery

Fahrenheit 45: Apparently books burn at a much lower temperature than originally thought

Fahrenheit 51: A despotic regime enforces the drinking of lukewarm tea

Far From the Adding Crowd: A story of yearning to escape from post lunch double maths lesson

Far from the Madding Crow: An annoying corvid (don’t say the N word) drives everyone away by pecking their eyeballs

Far From The Madding Crow: The harrowing tale of a survivor from “The Birds”

Festival Moo: Indian cows party down

Fifty Hades of Grey: E L James gets what’s coming to her

Fifty Shades of Gay: The many ways of being FABulous, DAHling!

For Your Yes Only: The tragic story of an obsessed lover who refuses to take “no”” for an answer

From Her to Eternity: Newlywed husband finds his wife very, very boring and commits suicide

From Russia With Ove: A Norwegian TV report on life in Russia

Girl with a Pear Earring: A dark tale of servitude, lust and fruit

Going Posta: Adrienne’s autobiography

Gone With The Win: One man’s mission to abscond with the lottery jackpot

Gong Postal: One man’s mission to make symbolic stamps

Goo Omens: A modern-day take on haruspicy in which the sacrificial knife is replaced by an ordinary kitchen blender

Good Hosekeeping: An illiterate pimps guide to looking after his ladeez

Good Men: A couple of cold war spies become friends and try to save the world from the antichrist

Goodbye Mr Hips: A teacher’s amazing story of weight loss

Gory Road: A massive traffic jam leads to war

Gulliver’s Ravels: Where Gulliver discovers that perhaps knitting was not a suitable pastime

Harry Otter: A harrowing tale of one otter on the search for an explanation about his missing parents at Bristol Zoo

Harry Potter and the Deathly “Hallow”: HP accidentally misspells a word at school and Snape kills him

Harry Potter and the Philosophers Tone: A young boy learns of the reason and meaning of perfect pitch

Harry Potter and the Philosophers Tone: Harry has to deal with a very annoyed philosopher and how he speaks to people

He Loved One: Evelyn Waugh’s satirical tale of a royal romance

Heat of Darkness: A study of sleeping disorders in the tropics

Here’s My Cow?: A farmer is disappointed in his latest bovine purchase

His Ark Materials: How Noah miscalculated the amount of gopher wood and had enough left over to build a speedboat

Holy Bile: Unbelievable guidebook for atheists

Hop on Op: Hop Johnson’s examination of Op art

Horton Hears a Ho: Stumbling into the seedier area of town, our elephantine hero finds himself seduced by some company for hire

Hunger Games: Catching Fir : One girl’s mission to grab as many cones as possible in the forest

I Know Why the Aged Bird Sings: A study of longevity in female rock stars

I R Bot: Infrared viruses take over the internet

Ike a Mighty Army: General Eisenhower is cloned -extensively- and single-handedly defeats Nazi Germany

Ill on the Floss: A warning from history about over exuberant dental practices

In Cod Blood: An in-depth look at over-fishing in the North Sea

In Old Blood: A serial killer terrorizes a retirement home

Infern: Dante’s journey through a hellish botanical garden

Infinity Bach: The cloning of Johann Sebastian Bach – over and over – and over again

Interesting Ties. A guide for the well-dressed gentleman of today

Interesting Ties: An exhaustive photographic study of neckwear from the past 100 years

Interesting time: A man is astonished to discover that the word NOON reads the same forwards, backwards and upside down

Ironwed: The Pepper Potts Story

Itches abroad. A very scientific treatise about parasites in foreign parts. In every sense of the word

Itches Abroad: What happens in Vegas sometimes comes back

Jahead: The Story of Rastafarian Movement

Johnny and the Bob: Johnny’s in trouble with the police for stealing a WWII plane

Johnny and the Dad: A heart-warming tale of a boy and his father

Johnny and the Dad: Johnny meets his father

Johnny And The DEA: One man’s mission to banish that drug agency once and for all

Jungle Ook: How a boy grows up to become a librarian

Jungle Ook: The librarian visits his ancestral lands

Jurassic Ark: Did you know the dinosaurs had their own Noah? Probably not, because T. Rex’s arms were too short to wield a hammer

Just So. Tories: Explaining things in minute detail to those who don’t want to hear

King Ear: A man, a sound, a triumph of anatomy

Lack Beauty: An ugly horse tells her story

Lack Beauty: The story of a nag beaten with an ugly stick

Lady Chatterley’s Over: When her husband is injured, Her Ladyship disguises herself and stands in for him in the local cricket match. There is much misunderstanding…

Laughter-house Five: A group of men who regularly attend comedy shows in Dresden together recount the horrors of the city’s destruction

Leak House: A plumber’s story

Leak House: A tale of a lavatory

Leak House: School has plumbing problems

Let’s play a game: Pick a book title and remove one letter, the describe the plot

Lice in Wonderland: Everyone in Wonderland’s got an itch!

Lie After 50: Why you should stop telling the truth once you’re 50

Life of P: The thrilling story of the 16th letter of the alphabet

Little Hose on the Prairie: A depressing tale of deprivation and socklessness

Little Hose on the Prairie: A tragic tale of firefighters who failed to save a ranch because their equipment wasn’t long enough

Little Omen: The March Sisters buy a Ouija board

Live and Let Di: A harsh indictment of the paparazzi’s hounding of the Princess of Wales

Liver Twist: The consequence of asking for too many second helpings

Loom County the Complete Library: A history of the textile industry told through weaving patterns

Lord of the Lies: The true story of a retired Peer of the Realm who used a false passport to get into the country and take up politics, being responsible for a number of peculiar bills of parliament

Lord Of The Lies: Yes children, your vacation island is perfectly safe

Lord of the Rigs: An evil overlord tries to take control of the North Sea oil and is challenged by a group of midgets from Cornwall

Lorna Done: Lorna decides she’s had enough of her stale suburban life and takes up with a street gang with poor grammar skills

Love in the Time of Choler: A couple’s volatile relationship over the years

Madame Ovary: Stories of a surrogate mother

Mall Gods: An old god discovers that he’s got only one believer left, and he has to sell himself to people all over again

McElligot’s Poo: A study in gastroenterology by Dr. McElligot

Men are From Ars(e) Women are From Venus: The essential difference in the sexes as told by a feminist extremist

Miley’s People: A young pop singer discovers there is espionage in her entourage

Mob Dick: The erotic adventures of Salvador “Sonny” Corleone

Monfall: A Jamaican political leader’s fall from power

Monraker: A Jamaican guide to garden care

Monstrous Regimen: From Dr Jekyll to Mr Hyde in two weeks or less or your money back

Monstrous Regimen: One man’s mission to keep doing things the same way as monsters

Mostly Armless: The tragic story of a man born with only half an arm

Much Ad About Nothing: The story of modern advertising

Nanny Oggs OokBook: A beautiful look at the relationship between a friendly witch and a friendly monke..*smack* OW….not-so friendly Orangutan in the depths of Lancre forests

Night Atch: Backdoor to the Treb after closing time for species that fit

Nitting for Dummies: The ultimate guide for removing lice eggs from the hair

No Idle Hans: The Solo family makes sure their son is gainfully employed

Oedipus Ex: Jocasta’a tell-all expose

Of Ice and Men: The book version of Frozen

Of Mice and Me: The Autobiography of Willard Stiles

Ogfather: Nanny Ogg’s father is still alive. Explaining quite a lot

Ohello: The Moor of Venice joins Twitter

Oldfinger: Auric’s autumn years

Oliver Twit: Mr Letwin’s memoirs

Oliver Twit: One boy’s mission to get more food without being told he’s stupid

On the Rod: Jack Kerouac tries his hand at angling

On the Rod: Rod Stewart’s groupies tell their tales

Onan The Barbarian: A warrior comes to grips with himself

One With the Wind: A meteorologist’s tale.

One With The Wind: One man’s mission to stop eating brussel sprouts and baked beans

Only Yo Can Save Mankind: A rapper is the only person who can thwart an alien invasion

Only Yo Can Save Mankind: Don’t you dare say No

Only You Can Save Mankin: Johnny travels to the end of the galaxy to save his friend Mankin, a 7-legged alien with two heads and many teeth

Our Mutual Fiend: Victorian ghost hunters discover that they are being haunted on a two-for-one deal

Outlaner: A woman is stuck in the slow lane on the highway with her right turn blinker on

Ove in the Time of Cholera: Devastated about his missing Russia report, Ove travels back in time

Ove’s Labours Lost: One Norwegian man’s mission to retrieve his missing report

Own the Stream of Stars: A real estate scam in the Magellanic Clouds

Paradise Lot: The story of an Auction House

Plane of the Apes: The little-known sequel to Snakes on a Plane

Power Lies: A political guidebook

Pretty in Pin: A guide on how to look good wearing only pins

Raisin Steam: A tale of exploding fruitcakes

Raisin Steam: Recipes for brown bread

Raising Stem: A horticultural guide

Raising Team: A study in team building and how to build a great business

Raising Team: Moist tries to teach a bunch of goblins to play football

Raper Man: The diary of a twisted individual

Return of the Dad: A heart-warming story of the reunion of a young man and his estranged father

Return of the Naive: Sarah Palin runs for office again

Ride & Prejudice: The story of a plucky jockey and the travails she faces in the equestrian underworld of seaminess and greed

Ride and Prejudice: A snooty land owner learns to love again thanks to his noble steed

Rig of Fear: The story of the world’s worst lorry driver

Rigworld: An epic of interstellar truckers

Rigworld: The tale of a group of truckers who strive to build a perfect society

Rime and Punishment: An in-depth look at the temperatures experienced in the Siberian Gulags

Rome And Juliet: She lives and goes on vacation for a week

Rozencrantz and Guilderstern are Dad: A heart-warming tale of gay adoption

Rue Grit: An obsessive compulsive in a desert wind

Schindler’s Lit: Oscar takes a drink or two

Seven Ears in Tibet: A treatise on the difficulty of growing grain crops in the Himalayas

Sherlock Holes: The Case of the Moth-eaten Socks

Sherlock Holmes: The Sign of the Fur: Holmes seems more nocturnal than usual; Watson suspects there is fallout from the Baskerville case

So Long, and Tanks For All the Fish: Dolphins leave Earth in their hundreds, fearing extinction at the hands of heavily armed fish

Sourcer: An everyday tale of crockery

Stranger in a Strange LAN: An unsuspecting user finds himself trapped in a mysterious cyber domain

Tacitus “The Anals of Imperial Rome”: The true story of how irregularity and haemorrhoids caused the fall of Rome

Tailchaser’s Son: Finally, Tad Williams graces us with a sequel

Tanks for the Memories: In the future, people have large fish tanks in which to store their memories. This is the tale of how this came to be

Tar of Danger: The history of the La Brea Tar Pits

Tar Wars: 2 galactic empires fight over the limited resources of a single planet, the only one where tar can be found naturally

Tardust: A road worker’s guide to success

Telegraph Venue: One man’s struggle to find a suitable place to set up his telegraph business

The Ale of Unfortunate Events: One girl recalls a night out in Manchester

The Ark Half: One man’s mission to get his boat finished before the flood starts

The Ars Trilogy – Red Ars, Blue Ars, Green Ars: A brilliant study in child raising

The BG: After waiting up one night, a young orphan is devoured by a giant

The Carpe People: They grab everything they see

The Colour Of Magi: Who were the three wise men

The Comedy of Errrs: What happens when actors forget their lines

The Complete Woks of William Shakespeare: The Bard recounts the stories of his previous career as a saucepan salesman

The Da of the Jackal: A Scottish Father’s attempt to protect his assassin son

The Da Vinci Cod: A cod dreams of Renaissance art and goes through months of prosthetic surgery so that he can hold a paintbrush

The Da Vinci Ode: A long poem about a masochistic monk and a famous painting

The Dark Alf: Mr Garnett spends a day in a power cut

The Dark Hal: A Computer takes over the world in 2001

The Dead Poos: A story of death and diarrhoea

The Everending Story: A conclusive look at novel finishes

The Executioner’s Son: The sad story of why Billy didn’t have any friends at school

The Eye Affair: Plucky grammar policewoman loses her contact lenses falling into a book

The Fall of the Hose of Usher: Embarrassment for a New England socialite at a White House party

The Fault in our Tars: All over the world, roads are falling apart and nobody knows why

The Fellowship of the Rig: A group of truckers and their adventures as they travel

The Firs of Heaven: The tale of the fur trappers whose pelts adorned the Emperors of China

The Fish Can Sin: The unknown and naughty ways of fishes

The Foot Ook: The Librarian discusses football

The French Che Cookbook: Recipes from Guevara’s Gallic Cousin

The Gat Keepers: Prohibition Era gangster story

The Graveyard Ook: The librarian goes gothic

The Handmaid’s Ale: Memoir of a barmaid

The Haunter of the Ark: After Noah mistakenly puts the wolves beside the sheep, phantasmic droppings begin appearing all over the boat

The Heel of Time: Thought a phone box or a DeLorean was strange devices for traveling in time? You were wrong

The Ho Father: …’Nough said

The Holy Bile: A sacred religious text recounting how the creator of the universe vomited it into existence

The Hut Locker: Memoirs of one beach hut attendant’s life

The Il ad: A very sick and warped advertisement

The Ill on the Floss: The story of a dentist and the challenge he faces with a sick patient

The Invader’s Pan: Tiffany Aching goes totally Librarian on the Faerie Queen this time around

The Ion council: The story of what really happens at a molecular level

The Ion, the Witch and The Wardrobe: A highly unorthodox science experiment

The Itchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy: Travelling for the enhanced flea

The Joy of Ex: A couple finds joy after their divorce

The Joy of Ooking. The librarian’s guide to a relaxed lifestyle

The Joy of Ork: The ultimate fantasy sex manual

The Jungle Ook: The Librarian takes a holiday to Bhangbhangduc

The Lad: A heart-warming tale about a boy’s coming of age one magical summer at camp

The Lat Hero: Recounts the life and deeds of Cohen, the hero of Sto Lat

The Lion, the Itch and the Wardrobe: A vet’s guide to flea control

The Lion, the itch and the wardrobe: Harrowing tale of animal cruelty in which a manky lion is imprisoned in a wardrobe by its cruel owners

The Little Hop of Horrors: A guide to help you meet the challenges of chaperoning the junior prom

The Log War: People fighting over timber in many parallel universes

The Long Arth: Terry’s boss Mr Daley has an accident with a steamroller

The Long Wa: How to hold a note for 53 seconds

The Lord of the Rigs: Story of the greatest trucker of all time

The Man in the Ion Mask: how physics helped a recluse find his freedom

The Man in The Ron Mask: A psychological expose of the man behind Ronald Macdonald

The Mayo of Casterbridge: Salads in Wessex will never be the same again

The Mon is a Harsh Mistress: A Jamaican transvestite’s story

The Naked and the Dad: A father of three finds a new calling in life as he joins a nudist colony

The Never Ending Tory: Political drama set in the Labour heartlands

The Oman in White: Sheikh dress code

The Ook Thief: Someone steals the Librarian

The Oy of Sex: Exploring the love lives of Bubbes

The Picture of Dorian Gay: Basically the same thing but with more obvious homosexual symbolism

The Princess Brie: A cheesy tale

The Princess Ride: *censored*

The Rapes of Wrath: To this day, banned in most countries

The Rave: Edgar Allen Poe’s macabre recollection of his attempt to get over the loss of his love through loud techno music and ecstasy

The Ridges of Madison County: A topographical study of Iowa

The Rogs: Aristophane’s classic play about four guys named Roger

The Romeliad Trilogy: AKA Julius Caesar mucks about in Gaul, How Julius got his groove back, and March 15th is a Bad Day for Julius

The Songs of Atan: A trigonometric songbook for the whole family

The Sound and the Fur: Why Granny Weatherwax Doesn’t like Cats

The Source of Magi: Where all those wise men really came from

The Spy Who Loved M: One man’s mission to suck up to his boss way too much

The Stan: A lowly postal worker holds out against the forces of evil in the aftermath of disaster

The Sword of Ruth: The mightiest heroine in fantasy

The System of the Word: How Microsoft’s popular office software controls the world

The Tale of Brer Rabbi: When Brer Rabbit is 8 days old he gets a visit from the Jewish clergy

The Tie Machine: One man’s journey to create a machine that allows him to be sartorially correct at all times

The Tigger: Who needs Winnie the Pooh?

The Tree Musketeers: Rodents to the Rescue

The Tree Musketeers: The inside story of green revolutionaries in a fight against an encroaching motorway

The Turn of the Crew: A new look at the Bounty mutiny

The Unbearable Lightness of Bing: Microsoft’s search engine just doesn’t yield decent results

The Unbearable Lightness of Bing: The Friends gang grow concerned as Chandler loses too much weight

The Velveteen Rabbi: A child’s introduction to Judaism

The War of the Wolds: dissention on the Chalk

The Wasp Factor: The WI have problems when they get together for a jam-making session

The We Free Men: A group of ex-prisoners celebrate

The Wee Fee Men: Bathroom attendants raise their prices

The Wee Fee Men: Tiny tax collectors get their revenge.

The Wee Free Me: My life as a nudist dwarf

The Win in the Willows: The Tale of England’s all frog cricket team’s battle at the word cup

The Wintersmit: The story of a hunt for just one glove in December

The Wolves in the All: The frightening truth of the canines that permeate our very existence

The Word Is Not Enough: A disgruntled dictionary compiler takes up a new career as a secret agent

Thu: Ane man’s mission to keep doing things on the 4th day of the week

Tiff: The tragic tale of two neighbours and the spat that turns ugly

To Men Of Verona: A homosexual’s Italian adventure

Trata: A fishing boat gets lost in a storm, falls off the edge of the world and lands on a flat planet riding on top of 4 elephants on a turtle

Trucker: Just a lone lorry driver on the lonely road

True Git: People in the Wild West can really be assholes sometimes

Tuckers: The story of professional bed makers

Tuckers: tiny ETs tuck children in at night

Twelve Years a Slav: Solomon Northup’s extended Eastern European tour

Twilight: New Moo: Bella comes to her senses and turns her back on controlling sparkly vampire boy and gormless werewolf lad, goes travelling, joins a commune/dairy farm and falls in love with Rita the vet as they tend to the new born cattle together

Uncle Anya: Transsexual Russian casts off gloomy trousers

Under the Doe: A lost hunter is rescued by a herd of deer and nursed back to life

Vanity Air: After the shocking discovery that exposure to polar winds can make you appear younger, a young entrepreneur sets up a business taking wealthy socialites to the North Pole

War and Pace: How not to advance against the enemy before you’re ready

War And Pace: How to fight and keep fighting

War and Pace: One man’s attempt to break the world record in walking incites an international conflict

War of the Wolds: North vs south wold in a nail biting adventure to find out who really did have Merlin’s tomb

Watership Don: One rabbits dark decent into the world of organised crime

Where Angels Fear to Read: A host of divine beings find themselves in the restricted section of the Unseen University Library

Where do I Coe From?: Sebastian tries to find where he got his prodigious running talent from in a family full of couch potatoes

Where the Wild Tings Are: A Caribbean retelling of the classic children’s book

Where’s My Ow?: A study of the rare phenomenon that causes some watchmen to feel no pain when attacked by children

Whit Fang: Werewolf humour

White Ang: A famous director tries to follow in the footsteps of Michael Jackson

Wigs: Some tiny ETs wear wigs to disguise themselves into Smurfs and gain access to Hollywood film studios, thinking this will allow them to get on a spaceship back home

Winnie the Poo: A bear has intestinal problems

Witches Aboard: A work of non-fiction on what to do if you have a witch on board your cart/coach/boat etc

Witches Broad: A critique of the dietary habits of the magical ladies of Lancre whilst on holiday. (author suffered from mysterious and random outbreaks of diarrhoea for the rest of his life)

Wizard and Lass: A story on the dangers of the fairer sex while dabbling with magic

Zorba the Geek: A young Greek computer programmer’s rise to fame

Lord of the Rigs: An epic journey across the country by US truckers to Mount St Helens

Ride & prejudice: A love drama between horse riders

He’s Just Not That Into Yo: What to do when your boyfriend simply doesn’t like Sylvester Stallone

The Ill on Floss: A physician’s story

The Joy of Ex: Maybe the one that got away wasn’t so bad after all

God Omens: on Discworld, the gods each start to see omens of one another

Around the World in 8 Days: Phineas Fogg’s plane gets delayed

Raising Stam: An autobiography by the parents of Jaap, the Dutch footballer who played for Manchester United around the turn of the millennium

A Feast for Cows: George Martin explains the favored grass of the bovine

Ma Beth: The real power behind the throne

The Everending Story: A story that never stops beginning

Sperman (the comic): Insert your own joke here!

Catch 2: An American footballer’s short and tragic career

N-Dependent People: The grim history of slavery in the American South

The Fantastic Mr. Ox: The biography of John Entwistle

The Remains of the Da: Tolstoy’s rejected sequel to The Death of Ivan Ilyich

The Summerook: The story of the Librarian’s summer holiday

The Unbearable Lightness of Bing: Chandler’s biography

The World According to GAP: A story of a corporation’s megalomania

Jurassic Ark: How the dinosaurs took over the ship

The Adventures of Sherlock Homes: The true stories of a real estate agent

Lord of the Ings: A group that really likes swearing

A King of I Finite Space: A Royal screwup in L-Space

A Very Strange Tip: Adventures in Waitressing

Anvil of SARS: A highly infectious blacksmith’s tale

Cashlander: An Agatean Empire adventure story

Cod as Ice: Adventures in ice sculpting

Doger: Adventures in canine care

Hell Dolly!: A frustrated husband in the marriage from hell

HoMinds: How to wake up your brain

HUD: The U.S. Dept. of Housing and Urban Development forces millions of Americans to give up their homes for illegal immigrants

Mall Gods: Cori Celesti is transported to a mall near you

Not For Gory: Autobiography of Cohen the Barbarian

Raper Man: A semi-musical tale of illiteracy

Rimrunner: Forrest Gump runs around Discworld

Rock: A children’s story for Trolls

The Coming of the Quantum Cat: Greebo discovers the fun of moving through space and time

The Domed Planet: The story of the people living in half a Dyson sphere

The Icarus Hut: A treatise on home construction by B.S. Johnson

The Long AR: A pirate gets locked in a time warp.

The Mind Poo: A tale of how the wrong kind of thinking can put you in deep – stuff – head downward

The Oy of Sex: Jewish Kama Sutra

A Town Like Lice: Dealing with pest infestations in the Australian outback

Macbet: A concise guide on how to gamble in Scotland

Old Comfort Farm: OAP antics at a quiet rural retreat

Ruckers: A tale of small rugby playing folk

War and Pace: A worried general’s memoirs

Wuthering Height: Memoirs of a very tall woman on the Yorkshire moors

Atcher in the Rye: Holden Caulfield, Bollywood style

A Ear In Provence: Culinary skullduggery in France

Harry Otter: The story of a whimsical little otter who spends his days playing with his best friend, Artemis Owl

Hip of Magic: One fantastic replacement surgery

Now Crash: A cautionary tale of imaginary voices and the consequences of listening to them

Rendezvous with RAM: How to build your own computer

The Handmaid’s Ale: a lowly servant’s struggle with alcoholism

The Sand: The story of one man’s struggle to cross the Sahara

The War of the Words: One man’s struggle to reach the top, and become the World Scrabble Champion

Angle of Repos: Business tips for car thieves

Fight Cub: A young lion is forced to spar in a series of underground matches

Tea of Rivals: Behind the Scenes at PG Tips and Tetley’s

The Social Contact: The History of Venereal Disease

The Unchback of Notre Dame: a disabled Cockney man fights for a place in the Fighting Irish athletics program

All Quit on the Western Front: Peace suddenly breaks out in this classic war novel

The Brother Karamozov: The story of a Russian monk and his quest for justice after his monastery is destroyed during the Bolshevik Revolution

Eye of the Wold: sinister doings in a village optician

Fortress of Pears: The pacifist vegetarians of world war three

The Colour of Magi: Three Zoroastrian’s struggles against racism

Interesting Tim: The boring adventures of some guy named Tim

The Color of Magic: Damn those Americans

Ale of two Cities: Pub crawling on a revolutionary scale

Here’s My Cow: The long awaited solution to one of the discs longest running mysteries

Making ‘Oney: A cockney guide to bee keeping

American Ods: A tourist’s guide to Las Vegas

Oliver Twit: The rise of twitter

The Fault in our Sars: Battling respiratory diseases

A Clockwork Orang: The Librarian listens to a lot of Beethoven

Clod Atlas: Six interlocking tales of idiots

Cold Comfort Arm: Something nasty in the woodshed has just gripped you by the elbow

Far from the Madding Crow: Death of Rats makes his escape

He: A transgender re-imagining of H Rider Haggard’s classic

Interesting Ties: Cohen the barbarian in a suit

Mall Gods: Vorbis and Brutha go shopping

Of Mice and Me: John Steinbeck’s autobiography

Oldfinger: James Bond comes out of retirement

Raising Seam: One of Ankh Morpork’s more enlightened guild’s guide to sewing

The Lion, the Itch and the Wardrobe: Peter, Susan Edmund and Lucy fall through the back of a wardrobe into a mystical joke shop

The Mayo of Casterbridge: A tale of passion and salads

The Ook Thief: A tale of lost librarians

The Ride of Lammermoor: Walter Scott’s story of the less than chaste sister of Lucy

The Tale of Peter Rabbi: Beatrix Potter does Jewish children’s tales

The Tale of Pigling Band: The One Direction story

The Was Factory: A tense story

Thief of Tie: Sick of burgling The Sock Shop, our hero moves up in the world

Carp Jugulum: A biological treaty on the anatomy of freshwater fish of the family Cyprinidae. – by Mightily Oats

Canterbury Ales: A critical review of the city’s beers

Here’s My Cow: A very short story about a farmer who lost his cow and then immediately found it again

Jane ‘Ere: A cockney story about ‘Arr Jane

Never Here: Gaiman’s lament about the unreliability of builders

No Country for Old Me: A pensioners complaints about young people today

‘Nuff: A story about a man at the end of his tether

Of Ice and Men: The Eskimo’s tale

Passage to Indi: Forster’s unpublished book on a young man’s journey from classical music to a more modern genre

The Girl With the Dagon Tattoo: Story of a female worshipper of the fish-god

The Joy of SE: Written by an author who *loves* living in Essex

The last her: A depressing story about the end of humanity

The World of Po: A history of guzzunders

Through a Lass Darkly: A tragedy about a semi- transparent girl

Winter Sith: A star Wars/Game of Thrones mash up

3001: The Fina Odyssey: When petrol companies really will run out of gas

A Christmas Caro: Past, present and future poltergeists upset a Michigan miser

Dodge: Terry Pratchett’s guide to US motor vehicles

Fear Is The KY: The first time is always the worst

Fear Is The KY: What NOT to see in Kentucky

Kid Apped: One man’s mission to make iPhones child friendly

Puppet On A Chan: Pinocchio teams up with Charlie the detective

Reaper Ma: One woman’s mission to harvest all she had grown on her farm

The Loneliness Of The Long Distance Runer: One man’s mission to decrypt whole sets of third century Germanic alphabets

The Long AR: Tourist guide to Arkansas

The Spouts Of Wrath: Jugs and kettles turn evil against a baseball team, picking on their star pitcher

Thomas The Ank Engine: Reverend Awdry was way, way before Terry Pratchett’s Raising Steam

Where Eagles Are: Yet another comeback tour for the American group

Where’s My CO: Tourist guide for Colorado

Cinderell: Fairy tale Princess makes natural alternative to sugar

Goldilocks and The Three Bars: Speaks for itself…

Little Red Riding Hod: Erotic dancers surprise the building trade

The Fro Prince: Ma’am isn’t aware of her grandsons Disco Diva nights

Loud Atlas: A collection of tastefully tinted maps bound between covers of the vilest hues imaginable

Bile: A book of contradiction and fairy tales

Little Ed Riding Hood: Edward is a flea who hitches a ride on an evil sorcerer’s hood. We see the sorcerer and his deeds from the flea’s perspective

Puss In Bots: An intelligent, talking cat wakes up to find himself in a futuristic robot factory

Thief of Tie: Dodger’s new adventures as a shoplifter

1066 And All Hat: A memorable history of England. And headwear

Don’t Ook Back In Anger: A song about stress management for librarians

Future Sock: Alvin Toffler’s predictions about knitted footwear

Me at Arms: My time in the military

Mostly Armless: A study of ancient, partially damaged statues

The Sadman: Neil Gaiman’s comic book about an unhappy bloke

Neverhere: Gaiman on absence

O Hello: Shakespeare’s play about racism, love, jealousy and meeting people

Rendezvous With Ram: How to meet sheep with confidence

Rising Steam: A thermodynamical study of boiling water

The Ar of War: The pirate’s guide to combat

The Itchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy: The infinitely improbable memoirs of a space-faring flea

The Origin of Spices: Darwin’s lesser known work on the history of food flavourings

The Pic of Gilgamesh: The illustrated version of an ancient tale

Titus Gran: About the elderly lady in Gormenghast

Tree Men In A Boat: Entish tales of the river

A Visit from the Goo Squad: Ectoplasm removal and you

All the Rag: What not to do when your significant other has PMS

Aper Towns: Why half of suburbia all looks the same

Corp Suzette: The Burlesque Dancer Army

Eep Leap: Base jumping for the faint of heart

Fear Is The KY: How to find your way to the back

Goodnight Moo: Night-time farm chores appropriate for children

HoMinds: Psychology for Ladies of Negotiable Affections

Motor Moth: How to make steampunk insects with everyday items

Mr. Penumbra’s 24 Hour Ook Store: When the Librarian switched dimensions and found a new home

Ready Layer One: Cake Decorating Step by Step

The AntiPop: How to blow up balloons successfully, every time

The Hungry Girl Die: Why dieting sucks

The Seventh Chil: Why 2014’s winter is lasting forever

The Atalpa Bow: The famous bow woman Illit, the lowing wife of B’dam must fight for her right to compete in the national archery convention in Um. Then there was the problem with the Nache of Ommoria…

The Die Man: The autobiography of DEATHs more assertive brother

As I Ay Dying: A disgustingly healthy Birmingham man’s story

One With the Wind: A sad story of a royal battling his way through life with extreme flatulence until flushed with success he takes his rightful place on his white china throne

Sons and Overs: A family story of cricket

The hunt for Ed October: Where’s Ed gone? Can they find him?

A Midsummer Night’s Dram: Enjoying a drink in the Scottish Summer

Goldilocks and the Three Bars: A young blonde goes on a pub crawl

The Rave: Edgar Allan Poe has a wild night out

To Kill a Mockingbid: An auctioneer finally snaps as the derisory offers come in

Where Eagles Are: All about cable cars and birds of prey

Acorn’s People: Really small people inhabiting the surface of an acorn

An Ale of Two Cities: Beer brewing madmen fighting a shadow war over the last two free cities in a world gone apocalyptic after world war 3

An Imperfect Itch: Finding your way when you’re really not sure if you want your goal

ARS: Pirate adventure

Berserker Plan T: What to do when plans A-S fail

Busy Malone: Gangster children’s calendar

Cities in Fight: A Greek tragedy

Darkly Reaming Dexte: En Essex boy does bad things

Dream Hips: Photo journal of the modeling industry

Far From the Adding Crowd: Hardy’s masterpiece about a mathematician who takes a sabbatical

Fun With Pot: One man’s mission to move to Colorado

Glory Rod: The history of the Faces former lead singer Rod Stuart

Goo Omens: That little tickle at the back of the nose and throat that tells you that your nasal passages will soon be bunged up

Harlotte’s Web: Networking for Ladies of Negotiable Affection

How to Cop with Difficult People: Snitching to the police about some of your family members

Idylls of the Kin: Tennyson’s family saga

Lack Beauty: How to accept ugliness

Little Fuzz: The story of a very small cop

Little Omen: The Antichrist is born as a Midget

Mind Change: A story of indecision

Now Crash: Demolition Derby for Dummies

Of Ice and Men: The story of the winter of 2013/2014 and the brave snowplow drivers who dared to fight

Of Mice and Me: One man’s mission to rid himself of his cheese fetish

Ood omens: Prophecies around the Tenth Doctor

Ood Wives: Dr Who’s thesis on marriage amongst this intriguing species

Plant of The Apes: Vegetarian cooking for simple folk

Seven Rides for Seven Brothers: A fairly boring book about a family’s equine travels

Seven Rides for Seven Brothers: The Ladies of Negotiable Affections introduce a group rate

Sins and Wonders: All the good stuff that was left out of the bible

Snow Rash: When dandruff gets serious

Speaker for the DEA: A guidebook for U.S. DEA agents after the war on drugs ends

Stephen King: The Wizard and the Lass. King rewrites part of the Dark Tower series and set it in Yorkshire

Tar Wars: The bitumen saga, a tale of rival road builders

Tardust: the history of tarring and feathering in the old west

The 500 Ats of Bartholomew Cubbins: A man’s Twitter obsession leads him to a dangerous encounter with his browser history

The Baroom Project: Drunken revelry prevails over common sense

The Bble: Fairy tales for the gullible

The Dark Night: A comic book done all in shades of gray detailing a night when all the lights in Gotham went out

The Elfish Gene: A Who-Do-You-Think-You-Are for fairy folk

The Glass Bed Game: Follow on to the EL James trilogy. Later versions of the novel were published with an insert ’50 ways of removing glass splinters’

The God of Mall Things: trainee God Jimichoo has to earn his place in Retail Heaven by getting shoppers to worship him

The Goo Earth: Parenting for Dummies

The Lie of Pi: Proof the number we believe to be Pi is incorrect

The Nimrod Hun: A very stupid Hun accidentally conquers the world

The Ood Earth: What happens when the Doctor fails his final mission to his adopted home world

The Other Boleyn IRL: Boelyn has two identities. The first is expressed online, but she is very, very different in real life

The Tale of Peter Rabbi: Beatrix Potter’s classic tale of a Jew’s escape from the clutches of a Scottish Nazi

Thee Men in a Boa: How to make it work when the drag queen supply store runs out of inventory

Wordfights and Lullabies: Sleep training your child

Thief of Tim: One detective’s mission to discover why everyone named Tim has been stolen away

Three Men in A Boa: Sequel to Snakes On a Plane

Tiggers: He’s not the only one after all

To Ill a Mockingbird: A bird dies of human flu

Where’s My Co: One man’s struggle to find the company he created after being struck with amnesia

Where’s Waldo – The Wonder Ook: Hunt for a bespectacled twit amongst 300 librarians

Wintersith: Darth Vader’s Christmas

Wuthering Eights: The crews of the Oxford – Cambridge boat race get together post-race for a jolly good piss up

Moon Over Soo: The nigh time adventures of Sooty’s girlfriend

Stephen King’s “The Sand”: A terrible tale set in the desert

The Picture of Dorian Gay: And what a stylish portrait it is!

The Wonderful Wizard of O: An erotic story in a distant land

Rollslayer: How to lay carpets

Apocalypse Ow!: You didn’t think the coming of the Four Riders was going to be painless, did you?

5 Shades of Grey: For those that only like a little spanking

The Bibe: Official autobiography of a Canadian singer (alleged)

The Apocalypse Coe: Unintended consequences of an Olympic win

Game of Hrones: The hunt for the perfect wine

A Small Colonal War: What happens when you eat too many foreign foods

Against The Odd: A guidebook for living among other people

Memoirs of a Oxhunting Man: Siegfred Sassoon’s epic tale of tracking and capturing that wily opponent, the ox

The Lord of He-Rings: Sorry, cleanliness goes out the window when rum is involved

Ales of the City: Tour all your favorite microbreweries in one night

Gone with the Win: When Harry finished first in the marathon but didn’t stop running

The Bile: The story of a shrunken man eaten and trying not to be digested

50 Hades Of Grey: The hell that anyone would be in reading that drivel

Artem’s Fowl: The Strictly Come Dancing regular’s guide to poultry keeping

B: the story of the druidic hand wear industry

Dandelion Win: Alien blossoms take over Green Town, Illinois

Emm: No plot, the author had writer’s block

Fee of Clay: A potter takes payment in kind

Fight of the Old Dog: Murder and mayhem with Cohen the Barbarian

Kin James Bible: Cousin Jimmy’s rulebook

King James Bile: He was a notoriously bad tempered king

Life of P: Urology for beginners

Lol Ta: Internet manners and why you should thank someone if they write a humorous comment

Pyg; a Lion: Babe gets ambitious

The Da Vinci Cod: Tale of a fishy artist

The Five People You Meet In Haven: A Sociological guide to holiday camps

The Gripping Han: The story of how Lu-tze discovers the principles of Deja Fu

The Life of I: My Autobiography

The Magic Faraway Tee: One golfer’s ongoing search for the ultimate fairway

Tinker Tailor, Solder Spy: Home electronics for everyone

Travels with my Ant: Keys? check, Money? check, Passport? check, Ant? check – OK lets go

Wet Side Story: sequel to Singing in the Rain

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